Tags
Denver, Family, feminism, fuck the holidays, humor, Journaling, mental health, Midlife Crisis, mothers, recovery, Thanksgiving, travel, writer
You can find me on Periscope too if you want to watch me visually lose it. I don’t know how else to keep going. I am a writer. I write about shit. I hope people read it who feel like this too and feel connected to something.
https://www.pscp.tv/writepraypoop/follow
Tomorrow my son and I leave for a seven hour drive to Utah.
These people are very rich and not related. My son an I will however be eating gas station shit food and he does not own a suit.
Everyone is asking about the holidays. More and more people, I notice; don’t give a fuck about them though. Everyone I work with at the coffee shop, whom are very young, and/or given the fact that they are coffee shop employees, that in and of itself means they are independent and don’t ‘play along’ for the most part, so not too many of them are doing anything for Thanksgiving. The consensus there being; activities consisting of hanging at home and maybe a party or two with friends. So, I’m somewhere between vagabond and eccentric mom lady with my Holiday Plans.
Also, the state of Colorado as of late, has attracted a giant migration of people, so we are all ‘start ups’, meaning a lot of people don’t have family here, and are doing our own damn thing. Except if you are over 60 like the older clientele of this coffee shop however, who are balls to the walls family oriented/conservative and having people over FOR SURE.
Does anyone KNOW THESE PEOPLE ANYMORE????
I’ve been pretty quiet about what I am doing, since we are driving to Utah to visit my daughter who is there because she’s in rehab. She’s doing great, now, and we have her actually physically with us on a pass, for three days. I’ve been asked a lot, ‘Oh what’s your daughter doing there?’ – IF I even mention going to Utah. In general, people don’t really give a shit, they are just trying to be nice by asking, and I am nice in my answer back to them and I lie. “She’s working there.” Or I don’t answer at all because, to tell you the honest truth, people trail off and are not interested in waiting for an answer and I luck out and they’ve moved on. People are awful listeners.
It’s quiet a taboo thing, this rehab, this mental health, but to me it isn’t. We need to talk about it more, and I would, but SHE/daughter would kill me. So I’m stuck repressing giant emotions. Which I am used to doing BEING AS I’M FEMALE. So fuck it. We are going to hang with my daughter while she gets a three day pass from the Cuckoo’s Nest so there. I am excited to see her and to see my kids together in one room, enjoying each other FOR SURE. I am excited my son can pay for the hotel room that I am excited to be in a hotel room as I LOVE HOTEL ROOMS and they have a free breakfast buffet. SCORE!!!
Now THIS would be a fun trip.
I’m pissed that I’ve been on a path to a mental breakdown for over a year (*coughcough20years) and although I tried to ‘keep my new job’ I could not. It gave me severe panic attacks, stomach aches, nightmares and was just shitty. I felt like a brat because I wanted to quit and I kept DENYING MY FEELINGS because it was an ‘easy’ job and so many people have harder jobs/six jobs/have kids to raise/all of this just justifying the denial of how I really felt because ‘others have it worse.’ (*coughcough bullshit) It was only $14 an hour BEFORE TAXES, so still not sustainable. I couldn’t pay rent, definitely couldn’t get my own place and life is a shit show anyway so I tried to ‘keep’ the job. I was so micro managed with such high ASSHOLE level clientele it made me crazy.
It was a fucking chiropractors office for crying out loud with a monster clientele of rich billionaire Trump supporters. My boss literally micromanaged every single move I made and every word I spoke. So much so that when two men came in to the office – definitely ‘scoping’ it out, that and when I told them to leave as I thought they were soliciting/up to no good – I was FIRST scared I was Going to Get In Trouble. Before my own safety. One man was very aggressive towards me and after building management, and the DOCTOR asked them to leave they still wouldn’t, I pulled out my phone to record them, and only THEN did they leave. I thought the guy was so out for me personally that after his aggressive behavior towards me after and spending 20 minutes in the office just giving me a hard time, the thought of sitting in front of the door the next day waiting to get shot in the face by him, was just something I couldn’t handle. The doctor was only worried he was going to get a bad yelp review however and denied me my feeling unsafe in any fashion. I snapped and didn’t go back.
Why am I typing all this shit?
I don’t know. I am trying to justify why at 51 years old I only have $130 to spend on a road trip over Thanksgiving. It’s because I can’t keep jobs. I freaked the fuck out. Is something wrong with me? I don’t know. I was sick in my heart even though the job was ‘easy’. I can’t explain it. It made me physically sick. The people in there were assholes, the doctor was all over me ten hours a day – OVER MONEY. HE IS NOT SAVING LIVES.HE’S MAKING A SHIT TON OF MONEY.
I don’t know. I have something wrong with commitment. I blame my shitty parents. I’m trying to change, I’m working on wtf is wrong with me and I am not un accountable at all but THIS CAME FROM SOMEWHERE. Also a part of me is believing there is NOTHING WRONG WITH ME and this is how I am so fuck it and I deal with THAT.
I’ve given up. I’ve never made more than $20 an hour in the last 20 years. I have a mental fucking block about it I guess. I am barely hanging on right now. I have $100 in the bank. I have no food, but my kids and I will be together and those are my priorities. I can’t do this very well. It makes me mad my mother only taught me to GET MARRIED. Nothing else. I’ve been trying to do everything BUT THAT for the last two decades of my life.
My boyfriend is helping me right now and I hate that because I’ve been pretty much independent for the last 20 years. (DISCLOSURE: For about 3/4 of that I did get $350 a month child support from my EXHUZBIND so PLEASE THANK THE AMAZING MAN FOR THAT. WHAT ABOUT THE MEN????????????????????)(This amount was calculated after two children/overnights chart and my income as a waitress.) This said boyfriend I have NOW has three kids which -that alone gives me heart palpitations of another matter. (Blog to come. Or not.)
I hate everyone.
So fuck anyone who has railed on me the last 20 years because I will not conform to their standards. I just can’t. I don’t know WHAT I’m going to conform to, but it ain’t THEM.
For now it will be the job at coffee shop, my kids for the next four days and that’s about as far as I can go right now. I am depressed and want to give up and don’t care about a lot right now so I’m gonna ride this out.
Quit popping out kids. Jesus.
A Woman of a Certain Age 